Not together but still have feelings of being together without needing to commit. Of course you like it the way we are now.
| Panzer: | |
| Jebba always rolling the support with mad skeelz, | |
| you can catch her on soroka stealing my keelz. | |
| Watch out for her alistar Q W away, | |
| making panzer alt+f4 all day. |
I’ve cried so much by myself for the last few days trying to get his attention but apparently that only works when I bring up something “stupid” such as telling him how I feel. He’ll end up getting mad at me and I’ll cry a lot more but it’s honestly worth it all if I get to have a 10 minute conversation with him.
but today, that’s all over.
… and because of that, I no longer have to keep my promises with him.
I no longer have to go to school everyday, I no longer have to pass university, I no longer have to cry with him even though he’ll get mad, I no longer need to stop the urge to physically hurt myself because I swore on his life, I no longer need to stop the urge of thinking of death and how the world will be without me, I no longer need to tell anyone about my feelings and I no longer need to fake these smiles so he does not feel guilty that I’m sad.
I truly loved him and I could see my future with this person. He was the first who I could see me growing old with… he was my support even when I broke down a lot, he picked me up. It hurt so much to be with him but he was honestly everything that I wanted so I held on for the longest time possible.
He promised he would never break up with me if he never stopped loving me. I guess he had.
These promises and deals you make me with I get the chance to talk to you… I hate them. Do you do it just to see me crush and burn harder everytime? I never want to believe them because they never ever get fulfil but yet I always fall for it…. Fuck me.
Maybe it’s me? I don’t show you that I love you enough huh? That’s why you dont want to be around me.
I always do stupid things to show you… I guess they’re just too stupid, like the time I walked every 2nd day up a steep hill which took an hour just to talk to you on my phone using free internet in those food places. Even one message was worth the blisters even though I would spam for an hour. Even crushing my nerves in my feet from climbing those steep roads to the point where I am prescribed steroids in hope to make them come back alive again was worth it. But.. it doesnt seem like it meant much because you still havent asked me about how my doctor trip went from last week… and I wont tell you because you’ll think I’m trying to guilt trip you again.
… Maybe hand making letter paper and writing to you every day for a month wasnt enough either. Some took hours to cut and paste together and other were letters of my feelings poured into words on a paper. I wrote to you everynight before I went to bed because it made me feel so much better to just “talk to you” on paper like how we always talk when I was at home. I couldn’t even sleep if I didn’t do one.
I just wish you’ll stop playing with my feelings if you dont want to be with me anymore because of the amount that I love you… it hurts so so much. Just tell me, don’t wait for me to do it because I’ll probably end up killing myself trying to get your attention before anything happens.
What upsets me the most is that he’s sweetest to me and talks to me like I’m actually here when I go missing for a few days. Even if that lasts less 30 minutes everytime…. it’s still my favourite moments to have with him.
Sometimes I think his gaming is much more important than me. I mean you have one account that you spend forever on to get it the best ever to a point where that account cost thousands and then you have a girl which you can replace whenever you want for free because all she needs is love. It easily shows which one is more significant to a person.
It’s so hard to see a guy stick up for his friend like a bro should and then there’s someone who would just game because “that’s the only thing he has to do” even though his girl is just sitting there for an hour and a half waiting for a conversation but instead sits in silence in case she distracts him and get snapped at.
I don’t even feel like trying anymore. Maybe if I wait long enough away from him, he’ll miss me and at least try to talk to me like he used to or at least give me that 30 minute that I always look forward to.
Answer:
Most of the people that know about my little phase that I am going through have already advised me to do this. Honestly… I’m more scared that he’ll flip out at me…. than feeling like this everyday.
He’s been through enough. I don’t want him to feel any worse than whatever he’s going through now.
I don’t really want to lose him as my best friend and lover if we can’t talk it out however, I don’t think he’ll listen carefully to anything I say anyway. I’ll just end up feeling worse afterwards and know that I shouldn’t have bought anything up in the first place.
… but I kind of feel like he doesn’t love me as much or even at all now. Sometimes I wonder if I’m holding onto something that is no longer there but most of the time when that idea pops into my head, I would pretend that it’s all in my imaginations. I really love him a lot.
I’m just glad that I have a blog to dump shit onto whenever I feel crappy like this because I know it’s not his fault more over he doesn’t read it so I don’t have to really go around these things to not offend him.
So.. yea.
Thanks again for caring <3
Answer:
Nothing in particular… just problems with me and problems with the boy but he doesn’t know and doesn’t need to. So yea… going to be a emotionally annoying person for a while and mope around.
Tanks for asking though <3
I think I might crawl into my bed and cry tomorrow. T.T
I really miss the old him. The one where both of us don’t have to watch what we say nor hide things from each other. The one where we just talk until morning with no sleep… The one who wants to always be with me and lastly the one I can be myself around. I miss him so much
Part two of my belated valentines present. Took 2 days! Now I just need some colour :)
It wouldn’t have been belated if he didn’t tell me to not give it to him when he secretly wanted them
